The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

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December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

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December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

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December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

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December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

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December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

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December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

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December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

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December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes

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December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

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December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

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December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

Oh Tannenbaum

The wind howled and the snow was falling sideways more than it was falling down. The mercury hadn't quite climbed above 20 degrees, but there we were, out in the middle of a chunk of land surrounded by Christmas Trees. Several years ago we had sort of just fallen into what is rapidly becoming a tradition of visiting the Rees' Pine-Apple farm to gather our Christmas tree. I'm the only one in the family left who still gets a live tree every year. Despite my older brother's proclamations that he would never, in a million years, get some stupid plastic fake tree. But that was before they bought the fake tree. Although, in his defense, his youngest is allergic to about 98% of the things most people take too much for granted. If they wanted a Christmas tree, they had two options; go plastic, or get rid of the kid. I think they had more invested in the kid and really didn't want to see that investment go to waste. I feel for the guy, no real tree.

It was cold though, very cold. The kind of cold that makes you think mother nature has it in for you. Like she is doing her very best to kill you off right then and there. We found a great tree right away, but the 5/8 just couldn't admit that the tree was almost-but-not-quite the perfect Christmas tree. So we walked around that field of trees for what seemed like hours. Time always seems to last longer when you're freezing your...uh...nose off. I started to remember one year up in the Last Frontier when My 2 Cents and I went out and braved the Alaskan winter in an attempt to find a couple of trees for our families. He was sick, and not feeling good at all. I kept telling myself "I've been colder before, and I'll probably be colder at some time later in life." By the way, that almost kind of sort of works. We found what we though would be a pretty nice tree after wading through waist high snow (for again, what seemed like hours). We started to brush the snow away from the base so we could cut it down good and close to the ground. We cleared snow, and cleared snow and cleared more snow. Until we finally realized that what we were wanting to cut down was one huge tree and the part we thought would make a good Christmas tree was only the top 1/3 or so. There was no way that tree was going to fit on the old Cherokee, let alone in either of our places of residences. So, dejected and empty handed we trekked that multitude of miles yards back to the Cherokee, got in the old giant black beast, and headed back to The City. The women folk for some reason didn't seem too surprised that we hadn't cut down the perfect tree, and thought we were fools for not just buying one at the corner gas station.

But, like the snow on Saturday, I'm beginning to drift a bit. We walked around that tree farm until we had looked at pretty much every tree they had. We ended up getting the first one we liked anyway. We could have saved a bunch of body heat by grabbing that one the first time we saw it. The kids enjoyed the time though, and I have to admit, being cold wasn't all that bad. It was still good family fun. We had loaded up Little Sister's MP3 player with Christmas songs, and plugged the old "cd -> cassette" contraption in and sang Christmas carols all the way out there and back.

Christmas Cheer

The kids made a gingerbread house. We never did that when we were kids. But then again, you couldn't simply go down to the store and buy a kit in a box either. One that doesn't require baking. It came with some sort of icing glue stuff to hold it all together. Seeing it makes me want to make a real one though. Maybe next year, I'll have to find a recipe for ginger bread. I remember making ginger bread people once when I was a kid. I asked mom about making a gingerbread house, like in Hansel and Gretel, but she side-stepped the question with something or other and it never came to fruition.

This one the kids did by themselves, no grown up participation (except to crack open the ol' wallet and fork over the $8 for the kit of course). I'm getting photo-happy as it gets closer to the holidays. So I'm treating everyone to another picture. Hope you like it.

FREEZE TURKEY!

We had quite an ice storm this week. Tuesday and Wednesday the kids were out of school. Heck, even work was considering closing the office on Tuesday based on the forecast. Thankfully, while the ice was horrendous, the folks in the public works department did an exceptional job at keep the streets clear and safe. Wednesday night I went out and snapped some pictures. Here is the most impressive. The sleet drops on the lens give it a strange, surreal appearance. I thought I'd share.

A Little About Me

I found this blogthings site, and thought I'd share the results. Just a little bit about me:

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 85% Conservative, 15% Liberal Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal Ethics: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

Personally, I think they're off a bit on the personal responsibility thing. I'm all about personal responsibility. My basic premise is, 'if it happened to you, it is your fault.'

Second best Christmas 'toon

The first best Christmas cartoon, as I opined last year, is "A Charlie Brown Christmas". That 1/2 hour show pretty much covers the entire gamut.Charlie Brown being depressed because of the over-commercialization of Christmas - makes you wonder how he would feel now that Christmas trees are becoming "Holiday" trees, and the terms "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Christmas" are being replaced with "Happy Holidays". But my favorite part of the show is Linus' speech in response to Charlie Brown yelling "But what is it all about", Linus dons his shepherd's headdress and replies:

And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them! And they were sore afraid ... And the angel said unto them, "Fear not! For, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all my people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ, the Lord."

"And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the Heavenly Host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth peace, and good will toward men.

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

I can't help it. It just touches me every time the show comes to that scene.

But on a lighter note, another terrific animated Christmas show is "Santa Vs The Snowman". With Jonathan Winters as Santa, this CGI animated short film was originally created in 3D for IMAX distribution. It is currently available on DVD (has both regular and 3D version on the DVD). The creators are DNA productions - some of you might be familiar with them, they also do Jimmy Neutron on Nickelodeon.

Some great scenes in this show. My favorite being where Santa parks his sleigh outside some little girls house, and clicks the keyfob in his hand and the sleigh gives of that little "beep boop" sound car alarms make when they are activated. I don't know why that cracks me up, but it just does. Also, for the Star Wars fans out there, a great battle scene where the Snowman has AT-AT style igloo walkers as he and his minions attack Santa's workshop.

I know it sounds kinda violent, but in reality it isn't. The whole thing is handled in such a way that there is no way it could be scary or bothering even to little ones. It is just too funny. And, of course, in the end Santa and the Snowman end up best friends.

Thanksgiving with the in-laws

Most of you who know me have heard me state that I don't like the 5/8's in-laws much more than I like my own in-laws. Family can be such a pain in the backside. Usually for Thanksgiving we head to my brother's house where his anal-retentive wife keeps a perfectly clean Mrs. Cleaver style house. Never a spec of dirt anywhere. There is a place for everything and everything is in it's place. The worst I have ever seen her house is after dinner at Thanksgiving where the table is strewn with black Friday ads from the day's newspaper and the grown ups look through the ads and pass them around, and look through them again. The women mapping their black Friday attack vectors to hit the best stores with the best deals at the most opportune times. Planning and scheming with one another, "you pick that up for me at this store, and I'll pick this up for you at that store."

This year we made the grueling 30 mile trek to Lawrence to spend Thanksgiving with the in-laws (mine, not hers). Her parents bought one of those half in the ground houses on a five acre lot a couple of years ago, and we seem to be spending much more time there now than I had ever wanted to. Before they lived in a decent sized house, but her ol' man is somewhat of a packrat. Well, somewhat is really an understatement. He is a packrat extrordinaire. Some people drink, other's smoke dope, some look at pictures of naked ladies (or men) on the Internet (or in magazines). But the FiL's true calling is packratism. This guy can save the most mundane things which he can find a reason for them to be nigh invaluable. When they had moved from their old house to their new one, we would go over on the weekends to help clean up out the old house. There were several large plastic trash cans full of empty oil bottles - just to give you an idea what this guy is like.

So we made the trip to Lawrence. The kids (of course) are fighting and bickering the whole way there. I'm never excited about going to Lawrence. The FiL is one of those guys who drinks some sort of whey protein drink for breakfast. It's green and stinks like I don't know what. He is always going on about some health thing. When the 5/8 was a kid, it was milk. They couldn't drink milk because it had some cancer causing enzyme or some such goofiness. Now it is turkey. It is ok to eat turkey once in a while, but folks shouldn't have turkey sandwiches because if they eat turkey all the time it will kill them.

One of the things that I missed by going to Lawrence - and I didn't know I would miss it, I'd never even thought about it before - was sitting at an actual table as a family and sharing the Thanksgiving meal. At the in-laws everyone sits in the living room eating off TV trays. I suppose it works for them, and that is fine if it does, who am I to judge really. But it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving when everyone is eating from paper plates and off TV trays scattered about the house.

With my family, there is this sense of camaraderie that just doesn't seem to exist in the 5/8's family. There isn't a lot of joking around going on. Most of the conversation centers around what we should be eating to live to be 100 (as if I would want to live that long), as well as what sham good investments to make, and of course, no trip to Lawrence would be complete without a long, and sleep inducing trip through the FiL's biblical insights. He swears he is going to write a book about his thoughts on the Bible and Christianity. And that is admiral I suppose, and of course since he is family I would buy one, and perhaps even start to read it. But I'm I'll know how it ends and pretty much what it says after listening to the man for the past 20 years.

Movie Thoughts: Where the Red Fern Grows

We watched Where the Red Fern Grows. I put it on our list at Blockbuster.com because it sounded like a good family movie. The kind that are made from old books written for teens and almost-teens, and I was right. The story centers around a young boy in the Oklahoma Ozarks who desperately wants a coon-hunting dog. He works doing odd jobs and somehow, during the depression, manages to scrape together the $50 to get a pair of hounds. He spends years training them and of course they become the best coon-hunting dogs in the area.

One of the things that surprised me was that Dabny Coleman actually played a likeable character. I can't remember the last time I saw Coleman in a role where you actually liked his character. The story was entirely predictable for those of us who have seen 100s of these types of movies in our collective lifetimes. The thing was, it wasn't predictable for the kids, and that is the important part. Even No. 2 Son who barely sat through Transformers, was nigh glued to the story and interested in what was going to happen next.

Just Read: Cell by Stephen King

  I'm a pretty big Stephen King fan. I can't say I'm a huge fan. I haven't read all his books. I haven't read any of the Bachman books, so maybe I'm just a fan, and not even a big fan really. My favorites from him are The Stand and The Dark Tower series. I'll have to admit the final Dark Tower book kind of fizzled though. It didn't seem like his heart was in it. Almost as if he wrote it just to get it out of the way, to be finished with Roland and Jake and Detta and the rest.

The Stand, for the uninitiated, is an end of the world story. An extremely dangerous, genetically engineered super flu virus (nicknamed "Captain Tripps") is accidentally released from a government facility and eliminates 2/3 of the world's population. Coming into the midst of this is Randall Flagg. Flagg is, I believe, one of the greatest, and most evil villains since Darth Vader.

Cell is another try by King at an end of the world story - with zombie types thrown in for good measure. But it falls far, far short of The Stand. The story centers around Clay Riddell who is a graphic artist and things are just looking up for him. He sold his graphic novel "Dark Wanderer" and was about to be rolling in the dough. Well, maybe not rolling, but at least he could provide a better life for his wife and child. That same day, everyone who had a cell phone went completely bonkers. Some sort of pulse was transmitted essentially wiping out their minds, leaving only the most basic emotions. Riddell is in Boston, and his wife and kid are up in Maine (natch!). The story follows Riddell and a few others picked up along the way, on his quest to find his wife and son, while trying to avoid becoming food for the zombie "phoners".

King's usual character development is non-existent. While the book does suck you in, it just doesn't, I don't know, doesn't 'get you there.' I don't know how else to explain it. It is almost like King didn't even really write this book. It reads like a book that is written in the style of King, as an homage to him, but not by him.

It is a good story though. Maybe he was channeling Bachman, and this is the way he wrote the Bachman books (as I said, I've never read any of them - just not that much of a sci-fi fanatic where books are concerned). Or a graphic novel. It would have made a great graphic novel. Maybe King should have dropped a line to Frank Miller, or Klaus Jansen or John Byrne and had them illustrate it. I probably would have enjoyed it more if he'd done that.