And now, a message from your friendly neighborhood FBI:

Sometimes, you open your email, and you get a gem like I received this morning. Now, I'm used to getting messages from banks I don't use, telling me to login (via the link in the email...natch!) to ensure my account does not get frozen and all my funds (the whole whopping $6.32 of them) are continued to be accessible.

Then, there are what are known as the 'Nigerian Scams' where some guy named Ubuntu (or something along those lines) - sometimes though, it is a girl - who is somehow related to some deposed dictator of some smallish (nearly unheard of) third world country. Their deceased relative is dead, but left a large amount of funds sitting in a bank (usually in the millions of US dollars).

These people are super nice folks. They are willing you pay me a couple hundred thou, just to let them transfer the millions to my bank account so they can get it out of their country, and have access to it. I mean, c'mon, I was born at night, but not LAST night. Idiots don't really know who they are asking. If they transferred that money to my account, I'd end up taking it all out, and moving it out of their reach. Perhaps back to Nigeria, or where ever these rich and powerful people are who can't even influence the banking system in their own country.

But the one this morning, now, usually I just toss those types of emails without even looking at them, but the one this morning was just so awesome, that I could not neglect it. Coming directly from the (apparently) personal email address of the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Robert S. Mueller, III, and bearing the seal of the National Security Branch of the FBI.

Now, I have to hand it to these people as they HAVE gotten the hang of using spell check (finally). Now, if only they could get grammar check working they might have a chance with some who is utilizing more than the 3 brain cells required for looking at pr0n online. Also, they might want to proof-read their messages to look for glaring contradictions.

Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J. Edgar. Hoover Building, Washington D.C
Fax Number : (631)-961-3344
ATTN: BENEFICIARY
This is to Officially inform (not 'officially', but 'Officially' that capital 'O', makes you KNOW it is real) you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigated (good for them! They completed a verb!) with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an illegal transaction (take note of how I have conducted an illegal transaction - we'll need this later) with Impostors claiming to be Prof. Charles C. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr Frank Nweke, none officials of Oceanic Bank, none officials of Zenith Bank and some impostors claiming to be the Federal Bureau Of Investigation agents. During our Investigation, it came to our notice that the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have n Federal Ministry Of Finance (We have a Ministry of Finance? Really? What denomination I wonder) on your behalf and they have brought a solution to your problem (The only problem I have right now, really, is crappy emails like this polluting my inbox, did they solve that? NOOOOOOO) by coordinating your payment in the total amount of $800,000.00 USD which will be deposited into an ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw funds anywhere of the world. You now have the lawful right to claim your funds (Would these funds be the ones that I [allegedly] gained by conducting an illegal transaction? WTH?) which have been deposited into the ATM CARD.
Since the Federal Bureau of Investigation has been involved in this transaction, you are now to be rest assured that this transaction is legitimate and completely risk-free (Wow, now THAT is reassuring, because, at first I thought this was some sort of scam, but as the FBI is involved I KNOW it just HAS to be completely legit - and that whole thing about an illegal transaction...well...probably just a typo made by some secretary in the steno pool) as it is our duty to Protect and Serve citizens of the United States Of America. All you have to do is immediately contact the ATM CARD CENTER via E-mail for instructions on how to procure your Approval Slip which contains details on how to receive and activate your ATM CARD for immediate use to withdraw funds being paid to you. We have confirmed that the amount required to procure the Approval Slip will cost you a total of $250 USD which will be paid directly to the ATM CARD CENTER agent via Western Union Money Transfer / MoneyGram Money Transfer. Below, you shall find contact details of the Agent whom will process your transaction:
CONTACT INFORMATION
NAME: MR. PAUL SMITH
EMAIL: atmcashcardcenter@hotmail.com
Immediately contact Mr. Paul Smith of the ATM Card Centre with the following information:
Full Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip Code:
Direct Phone Number:
Current Occupation:
Annual Income:
Once you have sent the required information to Mr. Paul Smith he will contact you with instructions on how to make the payment of $250 USD for the Approval Slip after which he will proceed towards delivery of the ATM CARD without any further delay. You have hereby been authorized/guaranteed by the Federal Bureau Of Investigation to commence towards completing this transaction, as there shall be NO delay once payment for the Approval Slip has been made to the authorized agent.
Once you have completed payment of $250 to the agent in charge of this transaction, immediately contact me back so as to ensure your ATM CARD gets to you rapidly.
FBI Director
Robert Mueller.

NOTE: To ensure you have been AUTHORIZED to pay the required fee's stated above, kindly find below an Authorized Signature and also our Federal Bureau Of Investigation NSB ( National Security Branch ) Seal to accurately guarantee your safety towards completing this transaction.

Authorized Signature

 

 

GE: Imagine it works

Did I mention how badly General Electric sucks? I think I did, about month and a half to two months ago. The saga with our clothes washer continues to plague us. The confounded thing has once again decided to break. The 5/8 is livid. She called GE's so-called 'Customer Relations'. And was once again told that the washer will be repaired, and not replaced. This comes after the last time (which took a month to fix) we were told if it broke again, they would replace it.

At first, the nice and generous folks at GE told us me they can have someone out to look at (note: 'look at' - not 'fix') the washer on Tuesday.

Me: "Tuesday? You mean today?"
GE Putz: "No sir, next Tuesday."
Me: "Do you mean to tell me that your products are in such a state that all of your authorized repairmen are so busy nobody can get here in less than a week?"
GE Putz: "Everyone is busy Sir, not just us.
Me: "That's not true, I can call 'ACE Plumbing' and they'd be out tomorrow."
GE Putz: "Are they an authorized repair facility? If they are you are welcome to call them."
Me: "How am I supposed to know that? Isn't that your job? To know who is and isn't authorized to repair your junk?"
GE Putz: "Well, we can use a different company than last time. Do you want me to send out 'Dynamic Appliances'?"
Me: "I don't care who you send out. Hell, you could send out my neighbor for all I care, as long as they can fix it before next week."
GE Putz: *puts me on hold again - although only about 5 minutes this time* "Ok, Dynamic Appliance can be out on Friday morning, or Thursday if they can make it."
Me: "But it could be another month before its fixed right? If they have to order parts?"
GE Putz: "That's unlikely..."
Me: "Yeah, that's what I would have thought too, until last time. What will it take to get this thing just replaced?"
GE Putz: "We won't replace it as long as it is repairable."
Me: "Umm...ok, but where is my confidence that it will stay repaired?"
GE Putz: "I don't understand."
Me: "Ok, I have had this washer for about 6 months, and I have gotten maybe 4 months of use out of it. It seems it is in a constant state of repair. After this repair, how can I have any confidence that it will not break down again next month? This washer is a lemon. It get repaired, and then breaks again right away."
GE Putz: "If it breaks again right away, you need to call the repair facility that repaired it."
Me: "It isn't the repairmen that do a bad job of repairing it. It is your crappy parts that keep breaking, how can I get better parts?"
GE Putz: "Sir, all authorized repair facilities use proper GE parts"
Me: "Yes, but those are the parts that keep breaking. Is there another manufacturer for parts for your junk that maybe has some sort of quality control that I can rest assured they parts won't break next month?"
GE Putz: "The repair facilities use the proper parts."

I new it was going nowhere. So, at the end of the week, some repair guy will come out, look at the washer. Note, he is going to 'look' at the washer, not necessarily 'fix' the washer. My guess is that he will have to order parts. And if past performance is in any way indicative of future promises, those parts will be on back order. And probably take another month to get here. If that is the case, I'm going to buy a new washer. Then I'll have one for when this piece of fecal matter breaks down again.

And believe you me, I will make damn certain it will break down as often as possible. I will wash the rankest, heaviest and nastiest crap in that washing machine I can think of. I will over-fill it on a regular basis and basically treat it like garbage so that I make them asshats come out very couple of weeks if I can. I won't care because I'll have another washer that can be used for real work.

Next time I'll ask them if GE's blurb line should read "Imagine it works" instead of "Imagination at work." Don't you just hate it when you come up with a good zinger like that just a bit too late? I've got it saved now though, and will definitely use it with the next GE Putz I have to speak with.