XXXs and OOOs

Little Sister is not big on displays of affection since about the time she was about two. Between two and maybe three and a half or four, it was like pulling teeth to get a hug from her. Oh, for her mother, the hugs and kisses were a plenty, but for anyone else, not so much. In the past four years or so, she has gotten much more liberal with her hugs. Giving hugs to dad, and the brothers and even her Nana and granddad.

I suppose it could be said she gets this part of her personality from me. Rumor has it when I was just a tyke, the only persons in the world who could pick me up were my mother and my gramma Helen. And the only reason gramma Helen could pick me up is because she didn't take jack from anybody, any time, anywhere. She was the kind of woman who could make an IRS agent call her "Ma'am", and follow orders as if he were some kindergartener lining up in the hallway. No, really - one time she caught some guy trying to break into her car, and she attacked him with her giant old lady purse, and this was when she was in her 70s! I'm not kidding, that was one tough old broad. She worked almost every day until she was finally hospitalized, too weak to do most anything, at the age of 97. But I digress. She, other than dear ole mom, were the only two people who could pick me up when I was a baby. At least, that is the rumors - I don't really remember my baby-hood all that well.

Kisses...kisses are another story. Since she was two, I have received two kisses from her. I don't know if she realizes how that feels to a father, to not get a kiss from his only daughter. It didn't seem to phase her in the least. After about a year in kiss exile, she finally let me kiss her goodnight on the head or cheek. I tricked her into it though. I would give her a kiss on the cheek, and she would wipe it off. I explained to her that she could not wipe off dad kisses, that by rubbing the spot she was only rubbing it in farther and that is what helps her to grow. So she quit trying to rub off my pecks.

Once, after she had fallen asleep on the couch and after I had dutifully carried her up and laid her in her bed and told her good night, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I don't know if this really counts an official kiss because she was tired and mostly asleep and I cannot be certain she was aware of her actions. Several other times I caught her slipping up and almost, but not quite, kissing me good night.

Then last night, out of the blue, as she was giving me my customary good night hug, she tilted her head up, hesitated, and gave me a peck on the cheek. She looked me in the eyes as if seeking approval. It seemed as if she wanted to kiss me good night, but wasn't certain that it was an appropriate action. This struck me as somewhat strange. Maybe I read it all wrong, but that is the impression I received.

For the past six years, I had been pining for that stupid little display of affection. I had been lamenting that I did not receive kisses from my little girl. But last night I realized, it ain't all that. The kiss was nice, it made me feel good. But it didn't make me believe that she had any more affection for me than she did yesterday. It wasn't like it sealed any bond between us. It wasn't like, suddenly she liked me more, or cared about me more. It just was.

I realize now that the kiss I had been wanting was not all that important. Like when one wants something they cannot have, only to obtain it and find out it wasn't all that important after all. The kiss did not change any of my feelings for my daughter. It did not make me love her any more. Just as I realize that the kiss was not a result of her loving me any more now than before. I don't know why she gave me the kiss. I will probably never know. She is a very guarded little girl. She keeps things like that to herself. If I were to ask her, she would simply look at me and not say a word.